You’ve written the letter three times now. Yet again, it ends up crumpled in a ball and used for basketball play. Great shot! The crumpled mass ends up in the garbage again and you become increasingly frustrated. What do you say? How do you say it? Hopefully, I can help answer those questions.
The fact is that men think differently than women, so how you express yourself can make the difference between success and failure. Women usually think in terms of “feelings” and men are practical and like to provide solutions. Women want to be heard and understood while men tend to dominate and “bang heads.”
These differences can, and often do, influence our relationships. Although these differences in communication and problem-solving can be challenging, compromising and accepting another person’s perspective is key to writing an effective letter to your ex girlfriend. Here are 10 tips you can follow:
(1) Be sincere. No matter what you say in the letter if she doesn’t read sincerity in the words you will never win her back. Don’t “yes” her or tell her what she wants to hear if you don’t mean it. Instead, speak from the heart with honesty and a loving attitude.
(2) Remind her of the love and joy you shared during happier times. No matter what you experienced during the end of your relationship, there was a time when you were compatible and in love. There were moments of fun and laughter during your relationship and those are the memories you want her to focus on.
(3) Admit your problems and mistakes. Instead of blaming your ex girlfriend for all the problems in the relationship admit the part you played in the more difficult times. You both made mistakes and had your individual issues, but you should focus on the roll you played and the mistakes you made.
(4) After admitting your mistakes or issues tell her the steps you will take to correct them. Be concrete and specific so that she can see you are serious about correcting and working through the problems you shared in the past. These concrete and specific steps will prove to her that you are willing to change and work on creating a better relationship. It also lets her know that you are aware that these changes must be made to have a successful future together.
(5) Ask for forgiveness. If you did something that destroyed the trust in your relationship, such as, a betrayal or an affair, ask her for forgiveness. Asking someone for forgiveness is a powerful tool. It is an admission to your partner of the serious damage done to your relationship. Asking forgiveness is difficult and entails putting aside your ego and being prepared for your partner to deny the forgiveness requested. However, it will be impossible for your relationship to move forward without forgiveness. After asking her for forgiveness, ask what you can do, specifically, to make it up to her. This shows that you are concerned about her needs and that you plan to change the undesirable behavior with focused actions.
(6) Always be honest and truthful with your feelings and actions in your letter and in the relationship. Never weave a web of deceit. One falsehood always leads to another and eventually they will be discovered. You cannot build a relationship based on fabrication and lies. When you keep your promises and tell the truth, trust has the opportunity to grow.
(7) Share your feelings with your ex girlfriend. As difficult and uncomfortable as this is for most men it is the manner in which women relate and feel validated. Women appreciate when a man gets out of his mind and into his heart. When emotions and intimate feelings are expressed and shared women feel closer to the men they love. Emotions rather than practical solutions will tug at the heart of your ex.
(8) If you and your ex girlfriend can’t resolve the issues between you, state in the letter that you are willing to compromise or seek help as a couple, rather than lose her. Accepting differences is part of a healthy relationship. These differences influence our relationships on many different levels, but you shouldn’t try to change your partner to conform to your expectations. It is better to compromise and rejoice in those differences.
(9) Don’t forget to mention in the letter how much you appreciate and love her. Let your ex girlfriend know exactly what it is you love about her. Everyone wants to be appreciated and acknowledged. Focus on all of her endearing and positive qualities.
(10) Deliver the letter in some romantic way. This will immediately set a positive tone and she may be more receptive to your letter. An example might be to have the letter delivered with her favorite flowers. Or perhaps you could buy a beautiful small box, enclose the letter and send it to her. Any creative and romantic method should work well.